Susan's humor

As Elbert Hubbard famously said, “Don’t take life too seriously; you will never get out of it alive.”

Here are a few of the gems that have kept me smiling over the years. Please do email me your favorites for inclusion here.

Susan



A true story from the pages of the Manchester Evening Times

Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said “are you OK? I’m so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.”

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, “I didn’t realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly.”

The driver replied, “No, no, I’m the one who is sorry, it’s entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I’ve been driving a hearse for 25 years.”

Life is pleasant.
Death is peaceful.
It’s the transition that’s troublesome
Isaac Asimov

I’m always relieved when someone is delivering
a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.
George Carlin

According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two! Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.
Jerry Seinfeld

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
Winston Churchill

Suicide would be my way of telling God that I quit.
Tom Kleffman

“He died a modern death, in hospital,……..after medical science had prolonged his life to a point where the terms on which it was being offered were unimpressive.”
Julian Barnes

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
Rodney Dangerfield

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Mark Twain

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
Mark Twain

“A dead atheist is someone who is all dressed up with no place to go.”
James Duffecy

“Todd, do you know the definition of self-control?”
“It is the undertaker trying to look sad at an $80,000.00 funeral!”

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.

When Chemists die, they barium.

When I am bored, I send a text to a random number saying “I hid the body, now what?”

Life: A sexually transmitted disease which always ends in death. There is no known cure.

Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.

Live such that when you die, even the undertaker will be sorry.

Suicide is the most sincere form of self criticism.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.

Everybody is somebody else’s wierdo.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to myself – “Where the hell is the ceiling???”

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they’re still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they’ve lost the plot!!

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid…….then I was petrified.

Just got back from my friend’s funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

My husband has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the thrift shop to get all his clothes back.

Dirt cheap: Cemetery sells 2 graves for price of 1 Memorial Park Cemetery on Indianapolis’ far east side is offering plots at the bargain-basement price of two graves for one in a section of its grounds.

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

A hospice patient, who was very near death, refused to eat any more food. She said she wanted to die. The following day, she announced her intention to die again, and again the day passed without her demise. This went on for several days. Then one day she arose from her bed and joined the rest of her family at the breakfast table. The amazed family members wanted to know how come she was joining them for breakfast after so many days of not eating. The frail elderly lady turned and answered, “So who wants to die on an empty stomach?”

Ikkyu, the Zen master, was very clever as a boy. His teacher had a precious teacup, a rare antique. Ikkyu happened to break this cup and was greatly perplexed. Hearing the footsteps of his teacher, he held the pieces of the cup behind him. When the master appeared, Ikkyu asked: “Why do people have to die?” “This is natural,” explained the older man. “Everything has to die and has just so long to live.” Ikkyu, producing the shattered cup, added: “It was time for your cup to die.”

Funeral Etiquette
Do’s and Don’ts for Funerals
*Don’t attend funerals of people you don’t know.
*Don’t try to outdo the family’s grief.
*Don’t videotape the service.
*Don’t rate the funeral with a 1-10 rating scale in front of the family.
*Don’t race the hearse to the cemetery.
*Do offer your help, but don’t charge for it.
*Don’t make statements like “something seems fishy to me” or “I hope they did an autopsy.”
*Don’t remark that the deceased looks “way better than they ever did”
*Don’t sit in the front row of the church and lean over the seat to wave at everyone you know coming in.
*Do realize that the grieving family probably knows the deceased more than you do: especially if it is your neighbor or your friend’s aunt.
*Don’t approach the widow/widower and ask for the fifty dollars the deceased owed you.
*Don’t make an offer to the widow/widower on the deceased clothes.
*Don’t try to make the grieving family feel better by handing them a typewritten list of the deceased’s faults.
*Don’t climb on headstones to get a better view.
*Don’t do impressions of the deceased.
*Don’t ask about the “eats” the minute you arrive at the funeral home.
*Don’t ask if there’s any booze.
*Don’t use the word “rooked” if a discussion of funeral expenses arises.
*Don’t ask the widow/widower on a date at the funeral home.
*Don’t tell everyone how much your flower arrangement cost and offer to show them the bill if they don’t believe you.
*Don’t remove anything from the coffin as a memento.
*Don’t tell the grieving family “it could be worse” and then go into a long rambling story about the passing of your little dog Blue.
*Don’t tell the relatives that this is the smallest funeral you’ve ever seen.
*Don’t offer to make a beer-run.

Actual Epitaphs Found on Tombstones in Cemeteries
The original story of this is that someone found this on a tombstone buried deep in the grass. Upon pushing the grass aside, he read:
“Pause, stranger, when you pass me by,
For as you are, so once was I.
As I am now, so will you be.
Then prepare unto death, and follow me.”
Pushing the grass aside a bit more, he found the following scratched on the stone, done with a crude instrument:
“To follow you I’m not content
Until I know which way you went!”

Found on a tombstone in Hookstown, Pennsylvania. It has an etching of a marijuana plant on it.
“Hi!
Stay high!
Bye!”

On a headstone at Chapel Cemetery:
“I was Carolina Born
And Carolina bred
And here I lay
Carolina dead!”

On a tombstone of a woman who died in New England in the Colonial era:
“She did what she could”

“Here lies Kelly,
We buried him today.
He lived the life of Riley,
… when Riley was away!”

On a headstone in Oconto Falls, Wisconsin:
“Here Lies The Body Of A Man Who Died
Nobody Mourned – Nobody Cried
How He Lived – How He Fared
Nobody Knows – Nobody Cared”

“Here lies
JOHN D. CUDD, DMD (Dentist)
Filling his last cavity!”

Tombstone in Round Rock,Texas:
“I told you I was sick!”

Grave marker in Covington, Virginia:
“I made a lot of deals in my lifetime …
But I sure went in the hole on this one!”

On a grave at Hollywood Cemetery in Richmond, Virginia:
MARGARET DANIELS
“She always said her feet were killing her
But nobody believed her!”

In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
“On the 22nd of June
~ Jonathan Fiddle ~
Went out of tune.”

In a London, England Cemetery:
~ ANN MANN ~
“Here lies Ann Mann
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
Dec. 8, 1767”

Playing with names in a Ruidoso, N.M. Cemetery:
“Here lies Johnny Yeast
Pardon me for not rising.”

A widow wrote this epitaph in a Vermont Cemetery:
“Sacred to the memory of my
Husband John Barnes
Who died January 3, 1803
His comely young widow, aged 23,
Has many qualifications of a good wife,
And yearns to be comforted.”

A marker in Enosburg Falls, Vermont:
~ ANNA HEPEWELL ~
“Here lies the body of our Anna
Done to death by a banana
It wasn’t the fruit that laid her low
But the skin of the thing that made her go!”

Someone in Winslow, Maine didn’t like Mr. Wood:
“In Memory of Beza Wood
Departed this life
November 2, 1837 – Aged 45 Years
Here lies one Wood enclosed in Wood.
One Wood within another.
The outer wood is very good …
We cannot praise the other.”

In a Thurmont, Maryland Cemetery:
“Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go!”

Memory of an accident in a Uniontown, Pennsylvania Cemetery:
“Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake
He stepped on the gas instead of the brake.”

On a grave in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
“Here lies Ezekial Aikle
Age 102
The Good Die Young.”

“Oops!
Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903 – Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car
Was on the way down. It was.”

“Here lies the bones of Private Jones
For whom War held no terrors.
A private then, a private now
No runs, No hits, just errors.”

A grave in Girard, Pennsylvania:
~ ELLEN SHANNON ~
“Who was fatally burned
March 21, 1870
By the explosion of a lamp
Filled with “R.E. Danforth’s
Non-Explosive Burning Fluid!”

An epitaph in a Wimborne, England Cemetery:
~ JOHN PENNY ~
“Reader if cash thou art
In want of any
Dig 4-feet deep
And thou wilt find a Penny.”

Lester Moore was a Wells Fargo Co. station agent for Naco, Arizona in the cowboy days of the 1880’s. He’s buried in the Boot Hill Cemetery in Tombstone, Arizona.
“Here lies Lester Moore
Four slugs from a .44
No Les No More.”

In a Silver City, Nevada Cemetery:
“Here lays Butch.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger,
But slow on the draw.”

A lawyer’s epitaph in England:
“Sir John Strange
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is strange!”

“He died at a public gathering
When the platform
Suddenly gave away.”

“Here lies the body of Henry Devoe
Husband of Mary Devoe
Tears cannot bring him back
Therefore I weep.”

“Beneath this stone
My husband doth lie
Now he’s at rest
And so am I.”

“Here Lies Joyce
She’d rather not
But has no choice.”

On a tombstone of a newborn in Ashby de la Zooch, England:
“Open’d my eyes
Took a peep.
Didn’t like it
Went back to sleep.”

From a cemetery in Hatfield, Massachusetts:
~ ARABELLA YOUNG – 1771 ~
“Here lies as silent clay
Miss Arabella Young.
Who on the 21st of May,
Began to hold her tongue.”

On a headstone in Kent, England:
“Grim death took me
Without any warning.
I was well at night,
And dead in the morning.”

“He looked
For gold
And died of
Lead poison”

Here are some OLDER Jokes/humor you might enjoy:

Older humor